Sleeping is so hard when you can’t stop thinking.” Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream: #Shut the F*ck up” out loud instead of just in my head.” Who else speaks sarcasm as a second language?” I love the sound you make when you shut up” That awkward moment when your parents try to be funny in front of your friends.” I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.” So I’m going to go to my friend’s house and try it.” It’s not nearly as much fun as it was supposed to be.” What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.” Life is not like a box of chocolates, it’s like a plate of chilies. Two most honest people in this world: Drunk people and little kids.” Talk to people the way you want to be talked to. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Dear mind, please stop thinking so much at night…. Chain letters, angel letters or other promises of good luck none of that shit worked! Could you please just send cash, vodka, chocolate, Italian food, wine or airline tickets instead? Thank you” To all my friends and relatives who sent me #Best wishes”. But my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.” My brain cells, skin cells, and hair cells continue to die. School field trip the normal ones the quiet ones the naughty and nosy ones” Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment… is just keeping my mouth shut!” My doctor asked me if I had ever had a stress test? Yes – I replied it’s called life” You are just jealous because I act retarded and people still love me )” Crazy pills take one every hour to prevent the urge of choking the hell out of someone who desperately deserves it! Caution if you see me without this bottle.” I go to sleep so late and wake up so early that I almost cross myself in the hallway!” Just drink plenty of alcohol on Sunday night to ease the pain!” Warning! A virus called Monday is fast approaching. It hurts when someone you love says mean things like #it’s time to wake up.” #But mom what if I get kidnapped?” #Trust me, they’d bring you back” Then: Me, at 9 years old, I was happy to have this pen.” Today: A 9-year-old is happy when offered the latest iPhone. Back in my day, if I wanted to download a song, I used to sit my old recorder next to the radio and wait for a cool song, then hit record!” My strength came from lifting myself up every time I was knocked down.” My strength didn’t come from lifting weights. Whoever said technology will replace paper… has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.” The problem with closed minded people is that their mouth is always opened.” If being in my pajamas by 7 pm is wrong, then I don’t want to be right!” And I’m glad that you’re my friend! Have a great day!” Hey, I didn’t mean to interrupt your scrolling… I just wanted to tell you that you are one big cup of awesome, sprinkled with fabulous, with a dash of crazy. I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.” There is absolutely no excuse for laziness. Finally, my winter fat is gone now I have spring rolls.” That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.” What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
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